Having the 38 in my South Node all the way through makes all the sense in the world.

38.1 on the Personality side - “Qualification”:

“Tempering opposition based on circumstances. Don't always struggle!  Don't always fight! The line is saying to only struggle and fight for those things that are of value. Otherwise, don't bother.

A psychic attunement that guarantees proper action. 'Proper action' in the sense of what to struggle for or not, when to struggle or not, when to listen or not…

…Wherever you see an individual gate in your design, recognize that that is an aspect of your nature that is not to be influenced by others. That is why, at the core of what the pressure is, it is to be intuitively penetrating and aware in the now through the 57/20. But at the root of that, it is to fight anybody that gets in your way, right, wrong, or indifferent. The key is: is it really of value for you to fight about that? As a first line, this is the true struggle. What is worth fighting for is the great question of the 38.1.”

38.5 on the Design side - “Alienation”:

“A stage in opposition where one is totally isolated. This is the universalization of the pressure to be individually intuitive. It is absolutely perfect. The individual is always at their best when they are isolated within the aloneness of their own being because they have to resolve everything in life within their own context. They are individual.

The energy to stubbornly fight alone. This is their magic, in that sense. Their magic is that they do not need to have others with them in their struggle because, in fact, their struggle can be of value to others. They are often groundbreakers because they are given the opportunity to struggle for what is really of value. They often get to be the people that first discover the value of something because they are given the opportunity to struggle.”

I’ve always been someone who didn’t want to fight, wanted to love. Yet, I realized that I’ve spent my entire life fighting in some way, from the get go up to these days:

Fighting to not feel lost.

Fighting to belong.

Fighting to be and feel loved.

Fighting for connection.

Fighting to not be like my parents.

Fighting to NOT belong.

Fighting to find romantic love.

Fighting to be myself, and be ok with it.

Fighting to build a life different from what I grew up in.

Fighting to not fight, or argue, or have conflict.

Fighting to feel good enough.

Fighting to prove my worth.

Fighting to find interest in this life.

Fighting to find what lights me up.

Fighting to honor my own authenticity.

Fighting to let go of everything I would cling to.

Fighting to make sense of life when plans and goals are gone.

Fighting to move forward when the path went dark.

Fighting to play inside this system when every fiber of my being doesn’t want to.

Fighting to know what role gifts and purpose play in the larger picture.

Fighting to release expectations.

Fighting to find comfort in the constant discomfort.

Fighting to find home.

It’s all been part of the design.  I’m not just speaking of “Human Design”, even though some reflections are there.

The best way to appreciate something is to experience the opposite.

You can understand then, the desire for peace. A peace from within.  A rest of the soul, sinking into a knowing that there doesn’t need to be fighting.  Struggle doesn’t have to be so hard, but only exists for long enough to show where there are things to let go of.  To be met at the table, to be wanted and chosen, to have reciprocity just flow.  To be a natural progression down the line that elevated the lineage because that was the calling.  To understand that conflict can exist without volatility, and in the cases where volatility is still present beyond any control, centering in integrity and authenticity negates its harsh effects.  To allow flow to come and go, freeing to be as one is.  To be a warrior that is capable of all these things by virtue of going through them and understanding where they come from and why, but chooses the alternate path of peace.

In Gene Keys, 38 has the Shadow of Struggle, the Gift of Perseverance, and the Siddhi of Honor.  To know what’s worth fighting for, innately…even subconsciously or unconsciously.  When the mind wants to give up, and does give up…the spirit fills the battery and lifts me, giving me a ride for a little bit.  There is no choice in this, it is to keep going.

All the perseverance that has happened from birth to now, knowingly or not…because there is a purpose.  A mission.  A reason for being.  Honor in the exploration of the layers of the flower of life, to get a whiff of its scent in the end as it blooms…the intuitive smell that comes from the gifts in gate/GK 44, my natal Jupiter / Pearl sphere.

And the peace that comes in the moments of smelling that flower…eyes closed.